Life is unexpected. B and I were so young when we found out a little sprout was growing in my belly. Both of us were working full-time and living in two separate houses. We were still learning bits and pieces about each other; in fact, we’re still learning. Sometimes it feels like we entered parenthood too soon, like a phase of our lives ended too early. I haven’t finished school yet, he works more than ever, and we never went on that big road trip we talked about. We argue about the silliest things and pick at each other when really we both need to lift each other up. It’s tough to find a minute to have a conversation away from the subjects of dirty diapers and who is going to walk the dog that day.
I often get frustrated with the lack of help I get taking care of Evie during the day and forget to remember that she isn’t going to be this little forever. It can be irritating when she wants nothing but for mommy to hold her so she can sleep, and trust me. I feel so guilty for feeling that way. Sometimes I don’t want to be touched. Sometimes I just want to be alone. I miss more than anything being able to go on a run for an hour or two and process everything going on in my life. But none of that is going to be the same, even if it did go back to the way it was before baby girl. I am a different person, I am morphing into a new human being, and I have to remember to look at life (and myself) gently.
I appreciate this phase of life for teaching me patience and appreciation.
Evelyn is the greatest joy in our lives. Nothing makes me love life more than seeing her smile. Sure, it’s tough when she just doesn’t want to nap and the dishes are piled so high. She will not remember that, though. She WILL remember how warm it was to be worn against my chest and rocked for hours at a time. And when she’s older, she may need to be held in that familiar way again. Her emotions are so delicate and she’s still so little… Crying for a long time sure hurts her heart. And I want to remember all of the little things. One day, we won’t share all hours of the day together.
Be love and comfort, mama, the kids need it now more than ever.